If the only thing to fear is fear itself then why when I close my eyes can i see so clearly the things I fear? I do not fear being afraid. In fact, I embrace the feeling of fear. When she died, I was so afraid to go on everyday without her. I was eight and life without my wonderful Rose seemed too big to handle, but the fear consumed me and then as I overcame it, I became stronger, richer, ready. When he wanted it, I was so afraid. I kept being afraid and I knew this fear was different. I didn't want to give him this gift, I was afraid to be without it, so he took it. This fear became one that I knew would be in my heart in some form forever, but when I let My Love into my life again, He showed me how love could overcome this fear and the fear turned into strength, appreciation, and a true love for my perfect man. When he died, I became so afraid. Afraid of losing life so young, and afraid of what it meant to die. It became so real, because there was no reason. That fear still haunts me, but as I overcome it, I am learning to mourn, appreciate, and spend time doing what is important.

It seems to choke me, and as I struggle against it, it consumes my breath, my life, my love. I am unable to move, unable to grow, unable to feel. I am numb, but feel cold. I am alone, but surrounded by people. They say I am still alive, but I simply survive. I know what I need to do. In my head, I begin to search. Dark corners, dark figures, dark hearts. I find those words, and as my lips begin to move, everyone leans in to hear my whisper. "I am afraid." The clock moves and seconds pass but I grow ages older in the silence. Someone moves towards me and takes my hand. Their warmth melts me, and I squeeze back. Someone takes my other hand, and soon others join, they are my Elijah, bringing me back to life. I can feel and this fear that froze me is now what moves me. I take the corners, figures and hearts, and I embrace them, giving them names and facing them with my eyes wide open. My fear has not created a heart of stone, but has chiseled a heart full of praise to the One who blesses me with the Elijah's of my life. In fear, I conquer.  

happy days.....

okay so i love life right now. Chris didn't move to dallas, i'm done with school, i have awesome friends, and i have the  BEST job. I'm the administrative assistant at Premier Cleaning for Sheets and Sons, Inc. I work for this guy Zach who is 28 and owns three of his own businesses! It's so great! I work my own hours, usually from 9 to 5, and I can work at the pace I want! Oh and things with Chris are...spectacular. I have never ever had so much respect and care in a relationship like I do with Chris. And it's so much fun! I am so ready for the cruise this summer with us and Brodith (Brody and Maridith)! Now that I have this awesome job, paying for it doesn't seem so difficult! I am sooo pumped! Oh and i maintained my average for the loan i have, so that's good news! I did a lot better in most of my classes than I expected to! Anywho...life is great....

i don't even think anyone reads this....it's pretty much just for me.

Currently Listening Films About Ghosts: The Best Of... By Counting Crows see related

well i didn't go to dallas. here's the thing. I have been feeling lately like i am expected to do certain things and act certain ways when in all honesty i don't even want to be seen that way. and you know what? it's getting to the point where i may just let what i really want to do take over and screw pleasing everyone else. Christopher is moving to cleburne, which is a bummer somewhat, but it's a good job, so i'm pumped. And you know what? If it works out, it works out. If not, then it doesn't. simple as that. i mean not that i'm not rooting hardcore for us, it's just that i can't worry about that now. I have to wait and see what happens. he's amazing.

well. we're going to dallas i think. not that i'm not excited, I just have zero money to spend right now. me and christopher are going to arizona to hang out with his parents, so i'm a little nervous about that i won't lie.

complication is overrated.

Currently Reading The Day the Cowboys Quit By Elmer Kelton see related

okay, well it's almost spring break and i am ready to go. I'm not sure where, but i have two planned trips. one with the girls and one with christopher. So here's a story. Yesterday morning I slept through my 8 oclock and then woke up as I was hitting the floor.  I fell from my 6 foot lofted bed to the ground. I hate life. i'm in sociology and my teacher makes me hate my life. No not my life, her life. so lately, especially at work, i've been noticing all the young married couples and young parents. And when I see them i don't think about how happy they must be, I think about what they are compromising to be in the position they are in. I wonder if they wanted to be married, if they wanted that child. I mean, is it really that great? is getting married really worth never dating or being independant again? Is having a child worth being responsible for someone your entire life? It's simply my fear of commitment. But hey, me and Christ are going on five months. There's some progress. Oh and the book I'm reading, it's for history. Fantastic.